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Spank the crap out of that child

Did you hear? Yea, they found Balloon Boy in the f*ckin’ attic. Scared to come out because his dad yelled at him.

Now really, who am I to offer parenting advice? I have zero credibility when it comes to taking care of children. However, that being said let me exercise my right as part of the crazy blog-o-sphere to offer up a solution that would prevent the world from tarring, feathering and setting your child ablaze at the stake: I suggest spanking the living daylights of that child on national TV. Chase him down with a leathery old belt and slap his butt for every helicopter and news van that came to the scene until it turns a light tinge of pink.

Me personally, I had to endure a million tweets about the same crazy hysterics caused by the commotion in my twitter circle. Arguably, I could’ve just turned it all off but I didn’t want to miss out on all the #glee and #kanye tweet topic trends. Missing that would just introduce a whole different level of crazy into my world.

For future reference Mr PersonThatNamesTheirChildFalcon, let me offer you this flowchart:

It’s just like the boy who cried wolf. The next time your child decides to jump into a contraption for hunting aliens down we’ll only be sending the equally crazy reporters. And finally Mr StormChaserAndInMySpareTimeIHuntForExtraTerrestrials Dad, go buy an Ed Hardy shirt because you’ve officially been downgraded to Jon Gosselin status.

9:30 am 0 Comments

Flying Coach: An Etiquette Guide

This blog post was written to help people society avoid getting punched in the head by yours truly. This guide’s intended audience are (1) people who fly coach who believe that they might be in 1st class or business class, (2) people who are general douchebags when flying and lastly (3) the muscle head in the seat infront of me and his girlfriend sucking face the whole flight from LAX to YVR on Aug 17, 2009.

The last few times that I’ve flown I have become witness to the horrid deterioration of today’s society. Read: You jerkbags are a bunch of children who should be sent to the corner while getting kicked in the head for throwing what little manners you have out the window when you fly. Your parents should be embarrassed, and if they aren’t then they should be thrown into hell with you. It is sad that we let these people continually live and not get naturally selected. You should get punched in the face regardless of gender, age or mental maturity (aka retarted).

1. Your seat has various degrees of recline but consider the following 3 positions on your seat’s lumbar setting: (1) Normal upright position, you should generally stick to this setting for most of the flight (btw, this is the normal seat position when landing and taking off). Asian teenage princesses should refrain from changing this setting within the first 15 minutes of seating. (2)Position number 2, midway “everyone is comfy” position. This is a good balance of slouch and military posture. It’s low enough to be in a more slanted position and high enough that the person behind you will not be getting radiation poisoning from being too close to the TV set. (3) Full recline. Do not use unless it is night time and everyone else on the plane (especially the person behind you) is sleeping. This is the ONLY time when this setting is acceptable. Got that Asian Teenage Princesses?
2. When attempting to get up from your seat: use the arm rest and your own abdominal strength. Do not (REPEAT: DO NOT) grab the head rest of the seat infront of you and hoist yourself up. (1) it isn’t cool to the person infront of you (ie. Me) and (2) it makes you rude and physically inept. Developing some muscle movement is important because if the plane crashed, you will have the most fat. Fat = juicy awesomeness.  I will kill you and eat you first!
3. Do not kick the seat in front of you. We’re all uncomfortable in coach. Do not attempt to achieve the same sleeping position you get when you’re in the queen-sized bed. It isn’t happening. You’re not small and flexible. Your body type is more fat, large and big boned than cirque du soleil performer. Your knees barely fit. If you want the extra leg room, make more money and buy a ticket in business class better yet, get your inflexible fat ass your own air cargo plane.
4. Yelling loudly during a flight makes you eligible to be dropped off via parachute into the middle of the ocean. This includes children crying and seat to seat conversations. I’ve seen Blue Planet, the ocean have some fucked up ways to kill a person.

This has been a public service announcement.

1:00 pm 0 Comments

User Experience design applied to … birthdays?

Last week we had a pretty interesting conversation with regards to User Experience design where my co-workers and I uncovered the secrets to creating amazing user experiences. Sarcasm!

Christian: Guys, I need your help. There’s this girl and I’ve been trying to figure out what to get her for her birthday.
Brad: Well, lets figure out the persona. If she was a cartoon character who would she be?
Christian: Humm, I would say she’s like Princess Jasmine from Aladdin. A bit adventurous but also bit conservative. Pretty princess-like and religious.
Ritchie: I know! I know! A monkey thief!
Brad: Ohh a brown boy!
Dan: A Bengal Tiger!!

Christian: …
Christian: You guys are idiots!

Ahh, you have to enjoy blogging about your co-workers.

7:38 am 1 Comment

Edward Cullin’s Blog Posts

Since there was a lot of back and forth staring in the Twilight movie, I wanted to help audiences by filling in the silent gaps with my own interpretation.

Cafeteria Staring Contest

Dear blog,

Today, some pale looking chick was staring at me across the cafeteria. Why is she staring at me? I checked in the bathroom and I didn’t have anything on my face. I tried to stare back but the plan kinda backfired; she just kept staring back at me. Dude, I’d so get killed in a staring contest with her.

My eyes hurt, too much staring.

Heard some kids talking and saying that she moved here from Arizona. I wonder if they’re all that pale in Arizona?!

Science Sucks, but trucks suck more!

Dear blog,

Today, that creepy out of town girl sat beside me in science lab. She’s weird and smells like diner food. I don’t understand why she constantly tries to talk to me. Like I really care about science, I’m like 10,000 years old! I pwn you science!

Frick! Later that day, that same crazy staring girl was so spaced out that she didn’t see a truck hurdling towards her. C’mon! A truck spinning out of control and your first reaction was to stand there and play statue? I totally saved her with the super strength and ish. Yeah, that’s right! Edward = the man!

Hamburgers, Fries and Weird Girls

Dear blog,

So this chick Bella, she’s kinda cute right? So since I really don’t have much to do at night, I go into her room and just stare at her (that’s one way to win a staring contest) and watch her while she sleeps. Creepy and fun at the same time! A guy has to have hobbies right?

Anyway, she started talking in her sleep about hamburgers and fries. Man this girl really likes diner food.

Ok, nuff blogging. Gonna go roll in my space-age old person car.

9:25 pm 6 Comments

Celestial bodies

Cheryl logs into gmail chat from work only to be greeted by my usual stupidity.

Me: Aren’t you supposed to be working?
Her: I am, my patient is a star!
Me: Cooooool maaan!
Me: How do you treat a celestial body? Can you actively give it medication? How would you give it medication?
Her: You’re an idiot! *Cheryl has logged out*

Well at least she’s learned to just ignore me now.

2:30 pm 2 Comments