Flying Coach: An Etiquette Guide
This blog post was written to help people society avoid getting punched in the head by yours truly. This guide’s intended audience are (1) people who fly coach who believe that they might be in 1st class or business class, (2) people who are general douchebags when flying and lastly (3) the muscle head in the seat infront of me and his girlfriend sucking face the whole flight from LAX to YVR on Aug 17, 2009.
The last few times that I’ve flown I have become witness to the horrid deterioration of today’s society. Read: You jerkbags are a bunch of children who should be sent to the corner while getting kicked in the head for throwing what little manners you have out the window when you fly. Your parents should be embarrassed, and if they aren’t then they should be thrown into hell with you. It is sad that we let these people continually live and not get naturally selected. You should get punched in the face regardless of gender, age or mental maturity (aka retarted).
- Your seat has various degrees of recline but consider the following 3 positions on your seat’s lumbar setting: (1) Normal upright position, you should generally stick to this setting for most of the flight (btw, this is the normal seat position when landing and taking off). Asian teenage princesses should refrain from changing this setting within the first 15 minutes of seating. (2)Position number 2, midway “everyone is comfy” position. This is a good balance of slouch and military posture. It’s low enough to be in a more slanted position and high enough that the person behind you will not be getting radiation poisoning from being too close to the TV set. (3) Full recline. Do not use unless it is night time and everyone else on the plane (especially the person behind you) is sleeping. This is the ONLY time when this setting is acceptable. Got that Asian Teenage Princesses?
- When attempting to get up from your seat: use the arm rest and your own abdominal strength. Do not (REPEAT: DO NOT) grab the head rest of the seat infront of you and hoist yourself up. (1) it isn’t cool to the person infront of you (ie. Me) and (2) it makes you rude and physically inept. Developing some muscle movement is important because if the plane crashed, you will have the most fat. Fat = juicy awesomeness. I will kill you and eat you first!
- Do not kick the seat in front of you. We’re all uncomfortable in coach. Do not attempt to achieve the same sleeping position you get when you’re in the queen-sized bed. It isn’t happening. You’re not small and flexible. Your body type is more fat, large and big boned than cirque du soleil performer. Your knees barely fit. If you want the extra leg room, make more money and buy a ticket in business class better yet, get your inflexible fat ass your own air cargo plane.
- Yelling loudly during a flight makes you eligible to be dropped off via parachute into the middle of the ocean. This includes children crying and seat to seat conversations. I’ve seen Blue Planet, the ocean have some fucked up ways to kill a person.
This has been a public service announcement.
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