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An open letter to Rogers Communications Inc.

Dear Idiots,

How did you manage to screw this one up? The iPhones we’re going to sell themselves! An announcement from apple with 3G phones even had some non-apple people waiting for it (some even sold their unlocked iPhones in anticipation). It was going to be epic! The crushing blow to your competition. Apple did all the hyping and marketing for you.

And yet, you still managed to screw it up. Let me tell you bluntly what I was waiting for:

$60 regular plan + $35 unlimited iphone data plan = $95 (+ taxes, my soul, and system access fees)

The fact that your cheapest data plan only accounts for 400MB of data is ridiculous. You’ve obviously never used google maps or youtube before. I’d burn through 400MB just waiting for someone at a coffee shop watching Kristy Yamaguchi and Mark dance the rumba.

This morning I sat infront of my laptop staring at your rates table debating if I would jump on the bandwagon (and trust me, it doesn’t take much for me to jump on the wagon). I just want to let you know publicly that I will not be getting a new 3G iPhone at least until I see you come to your senses and offer an unlimited data plan.

Thanks for continuing to screw me up the ass (even rapists use lube).

Ritchie

10:33 am 2 Comments

Alert: all UFO’s attempting to land on Earth

Dear Aliens,

Just in case you were wondering where to land when you do decide to invade Earth. Please land at your designated landing pad in St. Paul, Alberta. We, the people of earth, have taken the time to stock up the landing area with the necessities for taking over the planet or merely just for your amusement.

1. The gift shop filled with rubbery alien memorabilia and inflatable UFO replicas. So you can completely understand what our vision of you is. As you can probably tell, we believe you have at minimum 8 limbs, 4 eyes, green skin, inflatable and smelling of latex.
2. We have stocked the landing area with random flags of Canada’s provinces and various cities. These are the areas you shouldn’t conquer (or at least make the inhabitants pets). Canadians are nice and well tempered like labrador retrievers and maltese shih-tzu’s. The ill tempered poodles are everywhere else.
3. The map on the landing pad has a “you are here” red dot. In case you wanted to confirm that you did land in St. Paul, Alberta. Remember! This was built way before GPS even came into the consumer market. It is not at all an insult to your intelligence.

In closing I’d like to thank you for taking the time to read my letter.

Best regards,

Ritchie

ps. Please ignore the two dorks awaiting your arrival.

9:51 am 1 Comment

Product Review: Toyota Yaris

In my whole life, I’ve only rented vehicles a total of three times. Two of those three times I’ve gotten a Toyota Yaris Sedan. <sarcasm>Let me tell you how much I loved it.</sarcasm>

I’m a big Toyota fan. I love their cars, they make very solid cars. I even considered buying a Matrix at one point in time. However the Yaris was worse than my old Hyundai Pony. The car was scary in snow (I drove it during a freak snowing in Edmonton) and on a small windy highway. I felt like Dorothy getting blown away in a tornado except: (1) I don’t own a dog named Toto, (2) I don’t live in Kansas and (3) I’m not not a girl named Dorothy who hallucinates about wizards, witches, lions, scarecrows and tin-men. Have you ever been in a car when it was thrown from side to side, 3 lanes at a time? Take my word for it, not fun.

Have you ever driven a Campbell soup can down a highway? I have! It’s called a Toyota Yaris and it felt as unsafe as a termite infested wooden roller coaster ride. I had a strange feeling that it would collapse on impact with a stuffed teddy bear leaving me trapped inside. And lets face it, when it comes down to “cars that I would be caught dead in” the Yaris is the last on my list.

So in conclusion, don’t buy a Yaris. If you’re renting, opt for the Mustang.

7:09 pm 0 Comments